1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day;
   teach them to use the Internet and they won't
   bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies...
    not really good for anything, but you still can't help     but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipies the same way I read science fiction.
   I get to the end and I think,
   "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
   lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant.
    Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder    these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they    used to?

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing    they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women    say the first thing they notice about men is they're
   a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
   It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you      one hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves      you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world             weird.
     Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to      make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest      profession.
     I have come to realize that it bears a very close      resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory that states that if ever anybody      discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it      is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by      something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
     There is another theory which states that this has      already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
     but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?